I'm trying to remember February of 2005. A number of things came up: my mother-in-law needed to change residences and I found a place a couple of miles from us for her, there was a Mardi Gras party, there was the feeling that I was losing count. One of the things I did (that I found out from one of those books that people gave us was not that unusual): I had been counting the weeks since Thomas died. Sometime in February, I let it go. Initially of course it had been hours, then days, then once I got past the first two weeks, it went to just weeks. Now I count months, not fanatically. On Sunday it will be three years.

I just don't remember much. Maria was home, going to Montgomery College. Anna was home, still working. Matthew was in school, I was trying to run the PTA (not well, I'm afraid though after the January meeting, several members came up to me to tell me how much better I looked in January than I had in December). I was finding that most conversations circled back to Thomas and his story.

Well, maybe more will come back to me. Let's move on to March which is also kind of a blur. We moved my mother-in-law to the apartment near us. I turned 50, Richard turned 52 but I don't remember doing much of anything special. I was beginning to feel less like I was in shock every day and more like a functioning human being. Except that I would cry pretty often when I got in the car. I'd be driving down the road near our house, sobbing, not the safest practice because that road is actually a killer even under the best of conditions. Crying is not the best of conditions.

One thing we did in March was to establish legally that Richard and I were in charge of Thomas's estate, which was actually more substantial than you might think since he never bought a car and apparently only spent money on clothes, the television, and maybe some video games. He must have eaten too. Maybe not enough. So he had about $11,000 in his bank account. This had involved going to the Clerk of the Court in Montgomery County, putting a notice in the Burtonsville Gazette, and it seems to me a few other hoops. Anyway, this was basically a formality, just one more thing to get out of the way. We took my mother-in-law on this trip for some reason, I think because the Social Security Office she needed was also in Rockville, near the Courthouse. She was a little overwhelmed by the security she had to go through at the front door of the Courthouse.

Recounting this, it all seems pretty surreal. You are trying to adjust to a life that will never include Thomas as a physical presence, and at the same time you are trying to tie up the loose ends of his life on earth. I miss him.