Thomas, First Communion Day, also Mother's Day, 1992


It's May 11th, 2008. It has been exactly three years and six months since the day that Thomas was killed. It's also Mother's Day here in the U.S., a sort of irony for me. Thomas made me a Mother's Day card for the last one he spent here at home with us in 2002. For some reason, he had it opening the wrong way, as if he'd taken to a Hebrew form of writing. I keep it out on my dresser as it shows a simple drawing of a tall blonde boy hugging his mother. I think: he is still hugging me, every day.

At first, I would be aware the 11th of every month. It is actually a day already full of meaning for us: our wedding anniversary is June 11 and my father died on April 11. In the last few months though I've noticed that the 11th can slip by and I won't have particularly thought about the number of months since Thomas died. Maybe this is a a sign of healing. Maybe it's a sign of a busy life. I don't think I'm ready yet to let go of active grieving but it is beginning to shift: like going from an acute disease to a chronic one. We have Memorial Day at the end of the month, that will also be a milestone of sorts. And Laurie's son Chase's fourth anniversary was on this past Thursday, May 8th. My calendar is full of days that I am going to remember for the rest of my life.